my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize