You made me cry and you don't even care
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
