I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
