I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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