Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Randomize
