oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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