is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
