Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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