Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
My balls are so social today.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
