I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
