is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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