i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
