Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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