I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
