I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
