I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
