I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
tell me about the eggs
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
