I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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