I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
