Moan for me like Helen Keller
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
