chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
