Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
dude i'm inner monologue high
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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