Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
