Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
