First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
