You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
