only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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