my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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