I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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