i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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