Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
me + whiskey = a bad person
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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