you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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