my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
