Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
