The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
