Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
