i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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