I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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