clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
