Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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