WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
