Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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