I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I have fence marks all over my body
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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