You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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