just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
