I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
