The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
please come you make the beer taste better
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
