I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Randomize
