My liver just broke up with me...
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
