I wish my penis had an off switch
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
