I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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