I seem to have left my pride at pride
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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