yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
