Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
