even my farts smell like vagina
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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