She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
