My first STD was from a foam party
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
where does the pee come out of this thing
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
