My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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