I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
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