Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
