I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
