Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
