Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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