I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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