obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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