did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
