I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize