There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
